


The Dove, the Serpent, and an Awful Lot of Water

by lyricwritesprose



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-19
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2020-05-15 00:35:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19284478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyricwritesprose/pseuds/lyricwritesprose
Summary: Crowley has Opinions about drowning a lot of children.  Of course, he has to put it in terms that the forces of evil will understand . . .(This was inspired by posts on Tumblr.)





	The Dove, the Serpent, and an Awful Lot of Water

The dove wings over the new sea.  Contrary to many future portrayals, it is buff-colored rather than pure white.  But it is carrying a branch.

At length, it swoops towards a large wooden boat and alights on the gunwale.

At least a dozen children are watching it cautiously.  They range in age from under two to thirteen or fourteen.  Several of the older ones are holding babies.

The dove regards them for a long moment, and then tucks the branch carefully under its wing.  “Er,” it says. “Wrong boat?”

The children part, and a dark-robed figure moves through the crowd.  He is holding a baby and bouncing them absently. “Wrong boat,” he confirms.

“Crawley, what are you  _ doing?” _

“What does it look like I’m doing?  All these children were so wicked that God  _ had _ to drown them.  All these children will grow up knowing that the forces of Good killed their families.  Imagine the amount of—not righteous wrath.” He thinks about it, and then ventures, “. . .  wrong-tious wrath?”

“But how on Earth did you put all this together in time?”

“I cheated like Hell, of course, it’s in the job description.  This whole thing is held together by miracles and bloodymindedness.  I’m actually in fairly serious miracle debt at the moment, but the payoff in pure evil will be worth it.  I’m expecting a commendation.”

One of the children tugs on his clothes.  “Keturah made a  _ giant _ poo,” he announces.

“Yes, I’ll deal with it in a moment.”  He turns back to the dove. “What are you going to do?”

The dove stammers for a moment.  “I—well—that is to say—I don’t know what I  _ can _ do.  I’m to deliver this branch.  Forthwith, straight away, as soon as possible, and all those things.  I would definitely break your boat into pieces and drown your, er, your evildoers, but I simply don’t have  _ time.” _

“Of course not,” the dark figure murmurs.

“At any rate, I really must be going.  I don’t suppose you’ve seen another boat around, very large, a lot of pitch—”

“You could try to the east.”

“Thanks awfully.”  The dove says something more, but it’s muffled by putting the olive branch back in its beak.  It takes off in a flurry of feathers.

“It’s really a giant poo, and it’s  _ runny,” _ the child says insistently.

“Yes, all right.”  All in the service of evil, the dark figure reminds himself.

He fails to convince himself.  Writing the report on  _ this _ one is going to be a masterpiece of spin control.  It may, in fact, be the effort that invents spin control.

But, after all, lying is what he does.


End file.
